Apparently I’m mean for posting that last photo of Lockie at the Mr. Healdsburg Pageant. He gave me a gig of photos and I spotlighted the one where it looks like he’s passing gas or a kidney stone. According to Naomi, “It’s a definitely a dick thing to do.” Especially since I’m so damned insecure about the way I look on film. So, to make it up to the universe, I’ll post a recent and rather unsightly photo of me, sitting on a couch with Naomi, trying to look sexy, and sweating for NO apparent reason. Gripes!

Sweaty Pits Alert: If you are also suffering from axillary hyperhidrosis (sweaty pits), or any other variation of this affliction - like plantar, palmar or facial hyperhidrosis - please click here. Maybe you can relate to the humiliation that comes with having The Pits. And while I hate to shamelessly promote myself and www.scottkeneally.com (as I’m sure you know by now), I need to believe that there’s some cosmic reason that I have so many pitfalls and flaws. I like to think that the reason is storytelling and spreading laughter. Even if it’s at my expense.

Once again, The Raven hosted one of the more outrageous (and disturbing) wine country events - The Mr. Healdsburg Pageant. Each year eight grown men compete in three categories: Beach Wear, Formal Wear and Talent. In years past, we’ve seen local artist Dave Dexter Anderson dressed in full latex fetish gear, paint himself blue, and throw himself against a canvass. And this year saw Roshambo’s computer geek, Lockie Gilles of Wine Country Computers, on stage with a troup of hot back-up dancers, complete with his wife Tracy and a bona fide Playboy model. He didn’t win, but I’m sure he’ll be psyched that I’ve posted this flattering photo of him.

Doesn’t it look like he’s trying to squeeze something out? I can’t imagine that he would have scored well with the judges once they caught wind of that talent.

Ever since Naomi was fifteen and frisky and thought it would be a good idea to tattoo her toe on her bedroom floor with a sewing needle and ink, body art has been part of her life. And so, many years later when she created Roshambo it was not surprising that she would staff her tasting room with colorfully inked characters and use the gallery to host a “Tattoo Art Show.” It’s not that any of us think that tattoos make you any cooler. In fact, very often the opposite is true. BUT, it is decided that FAKE SLEEVE TATTOOS like these ones featured on Thrillist.com yesterday will make you significantly less cool.

I’m not quite sure what to make of this “Thrillist,” but they say they send out daily email blasts about “targeted, relevent information you can actually use.” You know, recommendations about “things that don’t suck.” Well, apparently they missed the mark when they sent out a blast about Sleeves, Inc.

“Just because you’re unwilling to live the rest of your life as the illustrated man doesn’t mean there still aren’t times when you want to look fiercely tattooed. For the ink without the commitment, grab a Sleeves Tee… Since even simulated arm tats can become an escalating obsession, two full-torso versions are also available — for the man who’s afraid of needles, but is still brave enough to wear a tight, see-through shirt. However far you take things, you can rest assured that your temporary fixation won’t cost you an arm, leg, or Jewish burial spot.“

Did anyone else just vomit in their mouth? I know our friend Daniel Ricciato did. “There are two things I hate in this world,” he said. “Getting kicked in the nuts and these ‘fiercely tattooed’ shirts. They are like the O’Douls of the tattoo world.” We tend to agree.

Now please pass the mouthwash.

Do you remember pulling “all-nighters” in college? Well, if you were anything like me you would have found yourself dicking around all semester long, frittering your time away until you were frantically calling around for Ritalin because a 24-page paper was due in a handful of hours. And while you might hate yourself for a good 24 hours or so, you’d find a way to distract yourself and take the edge off until the next deadline, right? Sound familiar? (Just so you know, I totally understand and envy you if it doesn’t.) Well, I always assumed that this procrastisease was something that naturally passed after school. I hung onto this assumption throughout college and grad school.

However, I didn’t shake it. In fact, every time a Party Army newsletter is due, despite the fact I know months in advance when the next wine club shipment is slated, I find myself frantically calling around. Not for Ritalin anymore, but for Richard Miller of Calyx Design. I ring him up in hopes that he can drop everything he’s doing to whip up the design and layout of our newsletter.

“When do you need it to the printer?” he’ll ask.

“Yesterday.”

“Naturally.”

This scenario unfolded yet again yesterday as I scrambled for content and a theme for next week’s Party Army Package. For those of you who aren’t in our Wine Club (you can click here and fix that), each shipment brings a unique newsletter. While I’m not sure if anyone actually reads them, in the past I’ve sent themed ones with roshambo-related word games, fake news stories, pirate maps or a mock sommelier exam. They are nowhere near as cool as the wine that comes in the box, but let’s face it, our grapestuff is a tough act to follow.

For this one, I’ve decided to write a “blog post” about the near disaster Steve and Naomi had on the Roshambus’ maiden voyage to San Francisco. But I won’t be posting this story online. I want to save something special for that growing band of loyalists in our Party Army. I want to show our appreciation to them in some small way. Not that I would ever try luring you (non-members click here) to the Disco Side of the Wine World with this cheap ploy. I mean, witholding stories about the “Roshambus and the Redwood Tree” would be cruel and unusual and probably rather ineffective given the accessibility of our back issues on eBay and Amazon and in your nearest Barnes & Noble, right?

So, what are you waiting for? Join the Party Army! And tell them Scott Keneally sent you!

(You may not get any kind of discount, buuuut you might win me some points with Naomi!! And who couldn’t use a few extra points with their lovers?)

Ciao, for now.

It looks like some of the folks at the recently folded Wine X magazine have founded an “easy-to-use, risk free” website that provides wine reviews that cut to the chase - justwinepoints.com. According to the press release, “justwinepoints represents 20 years of research into why and how wine aficionados purchase wine.” Their mission is to give “wine savvy consumers” just what they want - reviews by the numbers, and numbers only. “I mean, when’s the last time you’ve ever heard a person, a consumer or someone in the wine trade, ever say ‘This wine got a 95’ and then go on to state what the reviewer actually said about the wine.”

While I don’t know co-founders Jenna Corwin, 24, and John Thomas, 27, given that they cut their teeth with Wine X, I’m betting that their tongues are stuffed in their cheeks. Unfortunately however, their little stroke of satire speaks to a sad reality about the wine industry. Many of the savvier “aficionados” only buy wine based on the numbers. They only care what other people think of the wine. And therefore, ironically enough, I could see justwinepoints.com gaining traction and taking flight. And if it does, I hope they know that our Zinfandel is a 100, maybe a 112.